God’s Recipe for Manna?

I’ve been mulling over a sign I’ve seen on one of our local churches for a few weeks now:

God hasn’t forgotten the recipe for manna.

I wasn’t sure right at first why it kept catching my attention.  We know from the book of Exodus that when the Israelites escaped Egypt they endured hardships and grumbled, even suggesting they had been better in slavery if they would only starve in the desert.  So the Lord told Moses that he would rain down bread from heaven.  For some, the message of the manna tells of obedience and that’s an important lesson of course.  But as I thought of that church banner, my heart was focused on the faithfulness of God.   What is his recipe for manna?

just as much

We lost my sister suddenly about nineteen years ago this coming Thanksgiving.  It was my first year of marriage and my husband and I were out of town with his family.  Meanwhile, my family was gathering at my parents’ house.  A undiagnosed aneurysm took eighteen-year-old Cori that afternoon with all of my family there.  All but me.

Circumstances were such that I couldn’t get back home until the next morning.  I was devastated when I heard the news.  I remember screaming and throwing the phone.  I spent that evening crying in bed, clutching my rosary and wondering how this had happened and begging God to help me.

My mind was hazy and my heart lost as I board the airplane early the next morning.  But the moment I stepped off the plane, His strength bolstered me, cleared my mind.  He nourished me with “just as much” as I needed to take care of my family in those days of laying my sister to rest.

Unequivocally, it was Him, not me that saw us through that.  Because I was a broken soul, so lost in my grief that I would have had no ability at all.  But he was my manna in my hour of need.  But too, He made me the manna for my family.

And I thought of this, of the manna that nourishes our souls daily.  Sometimes without us even knowing it.  Because there is never, ever a day that he fails to rain down for us.  But sometimes we are as the Israelites, grumbling about what we don’t have when we have only to look up to see the truth.

My husband and I have had a rough year.  We’ve been embroiled in lawsuits within our community that pitted people we once considered friends against us.  We moved here to our lake home seeking a community to which we could enjoy his retirement years.  In some ways, it began to seem like our bane instead of our dream.

I’ve been using my new series as a cathartic release for my anxiety, hurt and my anger.  And it’s helping, but the one area I’ve had the most trouble with is my anger.  And because of that, I’ve found it hard to offer forgiveness.  In fact, I’ve rebelled the idea of forgiving.  I’ve held my fury in my hand and shaken my fist towards the heavens in abject rejection of forgiving the hurts… but lately, I’ve felt this little whisper in my ear that I have to let it go.

So God provided the manna.  Earlier this week a post appeared on Faithful.live with a big banner that said: “as we Forgive those who trespass against us.”  And I wept as I read it because I knew that my Lord was speaking to me.  And after that I pronounced in my heart that I forgave those who wronged us (if you read the article you’ll understand that I haven’t yet forgiven them.  But I’ve opened my heart to God’s grace so that I will eventually.)

Copy of Copy of -I have set you an example so that you should do as I have done for you.-

I’ve realized more lately how blessed I am to have my husband by my side.  We’ve often joked over the years that we take turns if one of us isn’t feeling well or has a bad day, the other picks up the slack.  But isn’t that His gift, to give us our helpmate in times of need?  Again, the manna in the form of a partner for our lives.

And now that God is working on my heart, I know that now my husband and I can work together so that we can both reach the point of forgiveness.  And so that someday soon, we too will discover the peace that can only be had by our Lord within our hearts.

So today the lesson of the manna is twofold.  One, that I should always try to be open to receive whatever nourishment he provides.  But also, just as importantly, that I should accept God’s calling that I be His manna.

candace

Not Forgotten

I had a completely different blog post to write today. I had it roughly planned in my head to talk about what happened with us with the church five months ago and what’s been going on since then. But God had other plans.

(I will write that one, but apparently not today.)

It’s been a long five months since my husband and the church where he served parted ways. There have been happy days, and days that are peaceful, and there has been growth and learning and listening to God. But there have also been hard days–weeks–painful times, anger, hurt, sorrow and feelings of desperation, fear and the painful sense of being cast aside.

There are times when we have felt the presence of God so strongly, and times when we’ve felt as though He’s forgotten us.

This morning was one of those latter times. Nothing was wrong, per se, except that we’re working hard not to be anxious about provision or lack thereof, and we’re struggling to meet needs of those who have reached out while still being conscious of giving time and attention to our own family and to each other.

I was talking to Olivia, and I suddenly had a flash of a scene from the musical Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. It was the part where Joseph is in prison, wrongfully accused of having tried to rape the wife of a high official in Egypt. He’s interpreted dreams for two of Pharaoh’s servants, but they have forgotten him.

toa-heftiba-278088Close every door to me, 
Hide all the world from me

Bar all the windows
And shut out the light

Just give me a number
Instead of my name
Forget all about me
And let me decay
I do not matter,
I’m only one person
Destroy me completely
Then throw me away
I picked up my Bible, intending to look at that part of Genesis. As I set it on the table, the book fell open . . . to that exact chapter and verse. (Genesis 40:23)
The commentary in my study Bible noted: “Humanly speaking, Joseph was a forgotten man, stuck in prison with no hope of ever getting out. God alone remembered his existence.”
An hour later, as I folded laundry, I realized I was humming a hymn I traditionally associate with Thanksgiving:
We gather together to ask the Lord’s blessing;

He chastens and hastens His will to make known;
The wicked oppressing now cease from distressing;
Sing praises to His Name; He forgets not His own.

There it was again. He forgets not His own. 

I love it when God reaches out to give us reminders, if only we’ll open our eyes to see them. Even as I sat here at the table, struggling to hold onto His words, Clint got a phone call from a friend. It wasn’t anything that changed where we are or how we’re doing, but this man reached out to check on us, subtly letting us know that he had not forgotten about us.

We are not alone.

All of us have plans and dreams and a certain route we’ve mapped in our lives. We see how things should go in the World According to Us. It seems so clear, so simple, that when our journey veers from that plan, it’s hard to accept it or to reconcile our ways with His ways.

Isaiah 55:8: “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the LORD. 9“For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways And My thoughts than your thoughts.…”

Stubbornly, I want things to go MY way. I reason with God: “It would really be nice if . . . I can’t see why this can’t happen . . . Seriously, just give us this and we’ll make it work.” But what I’ve learned is that if we have told God that we are handing Him the reins, he’s taking us as our word. He’s going to lead us the way He knows will bring us the most growth, the most blessing (ultimately) and the greatest most efficient fulfillment of HIS will.

Thy kingdom come, THY will be done . . .

It’s not our timing. It’s not our way. It’s His. And what He asks of us is trust, obedience and whatever confidence we can manage to dredge up.

Lamentations 3:25-26  “The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,  to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.”

Folks, I’m here to tell you, if you haven’t experienced it yet . . . this isn’t easy. It’s painful, this stretching and stripping and growing. It hurts. It tears us from friends and family and comfort and contentment and a sense of belonging. It can mean sleepless nights, days of tension and uncertainty about what comes next . . . it’s not for the faint of heart.

God’s economy is such that He will never accomplish just one thing when He can affect more than one. He loves to bless as many people as possible and grow as many as possible. That’s why HIS timing is so important. That’s why He calls us to wait on Him.

So today, I’m clinging to that promise. He hasn’t forgotten us. Remember what happens with Joseph? Pharaoh has a dream, and finally, the cupbearer remembers that Israelite down in the prison, who was kind of good at interpreting these things. Joseph, who could’ve been forgiven for expecting never to see the light of day again, tells Pharaoh what God is saying, and his foresight and faith are rewarded when he is elevated to the highest position in the land under Pharaoh.

What’s more, he is eventually reunited with his family and comes to know great blessing. God used Joseph: if Joseph had not been sold by his brothers, kidnapped to Egypt, wrongfully accused and put into prison, he wouldn’t have been in a position to guide Egypt and to help his family during the famine.

For we know we shall find
Our own peace of mind
For we have been promised
A land of our own.

I’m holding tight today. I am not forgotten. God doesn’t forget His promises or His people. Will you pray with me and for me?

Scoot Over, Jonah

I’m right behind you!

Why is it that we wait until the seas are turbulent and the waves are crashing before we finally hit our knees and ask God for help? Man, we’re stupid! At least, I know I can be. Maybe you’re not and if that’s the case, please let me know your secret.

I recently had a situation where I truly felt like I was drowning. Even now, there are days when I cough up water and my chest aches from the pain. Life went to crap. Plain and simple. Family warred against family, businesses split, and walls were built- literally. I spent two days nailing up pickets so that I could block myself in and keep others out.

How did it all start? Well, I decided to save the day, of course. It’s my nature to fix things for people. I have an empathetic spirit and when I sense someone’s pain or frustration or desperation, I want to help. I want to get in there and make it all better. Unfortunately, that’s not always the best practice.

Things went down hill from there. Which is usually what happens when we try to tell God how to fix situations in our lives. I see such a tiny speck of the world and He sees everything. Yet, somehow I thought I was smart enough to tell the creator of the universe how this problem should be fixed. My solution was to step away from what God called me to do and step into a role I had no business filling.

See, I believe with all my heart that God called me to write. I may not be the next big thing, but within my soul is a desire to create stories that transport the reader away from reality, if only for a short while. I understand the need for that blissful reprieve from being JoAnna: mother, wife, daughter, business woman. Escaping into a good novel is one of my life’s simple pleasures. Years ago, I knew God was calling me to give that same gift to others.

Just like Jonah, I ran from that calling out of fear for quite a while. I was taught to get a real job, one that came with a weekly paycheck and stability. Artsy-fartsy hobbies were nice, but they didn’t deserve as much attention as a true career in the real world. And being a writer meant that someone might actually READ something I’d written–EEEEEK! OMG!

What if they didn’t like it? What if it sucked? What if, what if, what if, what if…

All the while, God was there, gently pushing me in the right direction. He said, “Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down.” Philippians 4:6.

I prayed about publishing. I prayed about what I wrote and just as promised, God’s wholeness settled me down. Ten books later, I’m glad that I didn’t give in to worry and doubt. Through the process, He showed me that when I follow His guidance, my steps were ordered.

Right up until I pulled a Jonah! (You know it’s bad when your name becomes a verb…just sayin.)

Jonah didn’t want to obey. He didn’t want those people to be redeemed or saved because he thought they were bat-crap crazy. (They needed Jesus, so I would assume that is a safe description.) He kindly tipped his hat, said peace out, and went somewhere else. As my redneck husband would say, “He gone.”

Yep, that was me! I know what you told me, God, I do. But see, I know these people and they need me to fix their issues. I know you said to keep your nose out of it. I heard you. But you clearly don’t understand what it takes to deal with this, Lord. I’ll do it my way. Thanks.

That, my friends, is how I ended up in my proverbial whale, surrounded by stinking junk of my own making. I ran from God’s directions. I did it my way. I failed.

One of my friends even asked me, “Jo, do you remember what happens to people who run from God?”

I broke down crying and said, “I don’t want to get eaten by a fish!”

It was too late by then. I was already sitting side-by-side with Jonah. Idiots, both of us.

Aren’t you thankful that God doesn’t leave us in our crap? Woohoo!

Just like Jonah, I cried out for help. There was no way I could do this on my own. My family was suffering, my finances were pathetic, my friends were worried. I was in a pit of my own making with no way out.

The thing that hits me about Jonah’s story is that he was puked up after he cried for help. Do you remember that little detail? He didn’t float miraculously on a cloud from the open, clean mouth of the beast he’d tamed, wearing white and his hair blowing in the wind. He was spewed like rancid meat. Gross!

Even after we ask the Lord for help, even after we cry out and lay it down at His feet, we still have to climb out of the crap we’ve created. It’s not always a swift clean up. There is no clapper for miracles. I’ll be honest, I’m still peeling off the seaweed and fish bones. I might even stink a little. Sorry.

But Jonah and I have one thing in common: We’ve both vowed to do what God has told us. God told me to write, and I think this is a great time to remember that calling. It just so happened that as I had this epiphany, my wonderful friends asked me to be on this blog. Funny how God works, isn’t it?

The rest of Jonah’s story is pretty interesting. You should read it. He’s a stubborn fellow. I guess I’ll have to see how much more we have in common as the days pass. Who knows, maybe I’ll see a great host of people turning towards the Lord because I obeyed? Wouldn’t that be sweet!?

**JG**

 

Faith in the Fire

Last night, my husband and I re-watched the movie Contact with our youngest daughter who had never seen it. (She was only two when it came out 20 years ago.) It’s always been one of my favorites, but I hadn’t seen it in a while; it’s not one of those movies you can turn on while doing something else. It requires concentration and focus.

depositphotos_40956519_original.jpgIt’s rather a conundrum of a story: an atheist scientist (played by Jodie Foster) is obsessed with making contact with other life-forms in the universe. She ultimately does hear something that leads her, along with the rest of the world, to a situation wherein they build a machine designed to take her to Vega, the genesis of the message. What happens there is life-altering to her, but ultimately can never be proved, because there is no video, no audio, nothing tangible which she can produce to make her claims concrete.

In a twist of fate, she, who had always scoffed at believing what she couldn’t touch, finds herself asking others to take on faith something that they find preposterous.

Watching this movie was timely for me. I firmly believe that if we allow it, God uses everything in our lives to guide us, to assure us and to inspire us . . . and after a rough few weeks, we needed a little affirmation. Because, you see–and perhaps you know this–living on faith isn’t always easy.

When my husband’s position at the church was eliminated five months ago, on Epiphany, we were in shock, we were hurt and we were reeling. We’d been abruptly and without warning cut off not only from his ministry and his job, but also from the church we’d been attending for seven years. The rhythm of our lives was destroyed, and we couldn’t see the future.

However, underpinning of all of these feelings was a foundation of faith. First of all, in the week leading to Christmas last year, we had fasted together, praying that God would lead us, open doors and show us His plan. Now, this wasn’t particularly the outcome we had anticipated, but it was undeniably His path. Several other things happened that made it clear that He had gone ahead of us, as He promises (more on that in another post).

But of course, we had immediate needs, too. The knee-jerk reaction to losing a job is usually to find another one, right? But I felt very strongly that God was asking us to do something new. So instead of jumping into a new church, a new chaplaincy position or anything else, we purposed to wait on Him, to see where He is leading.

To say it hasn’t been easy is a gross understatement. These five months have been painful on a level we haven’t experienced in a very long time. There have been personal hurts, as those we thought of as spiritual brothers and sisters struck out in attacks that leave me breathless–and not in a good way. There have been days when God has seemed silent, and Clint struggled, wondering if he was hearing God at all. There have been days that are so painfully empty, they echo.

In addition to that, having no reliable income has been a challenge. Thanks to a royalty check in February, we were all right for a while, but the longer we are unemployed, the harder it becomes, as anyone who has been through this can tell you. My own book sales, which we’ve hoped would rise to help sustain us, haven’t been great, and there is quite a gap between what I earn each month and what our bills require.

This is me being brutally honest, folks. I’d love to be able to report that God provided so mightily that we never had a worry. I’d love to say no bill has been late or unpaid. I’d love to say we’ve gone from the strength to strength. But that’s not the case. It doesn’t mean God isn’t faithful–He is. It doesn’t mean we don’t trust–we do. But this is the kind of faith that the world really can’t understand. It’s a faith that is at war with our rational selves, and it’s contrary to American cultural.

You see, the hard truth is that in this country and this age, we support faith in God for some things, but when it comes to money–that makes us uncomfortable. We’ve definitely learned this in the past months. People want Clint to have a job. They want him to be employed. When we say we’re trying to be faithful to God’s call and that means not seeking paid employment just now, they sometimes become agitated. They don’t like it.

And in God’s economy, when He provides, he doesn’t simply cover one need. Usually, in our experience at least, He provides using another person to minister to him or her and He makes sure we can see His hand in the provision . . . and He teaches us something else, too. Because, you see, the point isn’t the provision–it’s the trust.

I don’t believe God wants us to be living moment to moment because He’s capricious. This is an exercise in growing us. He wants us to rely on HIM, not on jobs, salaries, health insurance, royalty checks or anything else. He is a bountiful God, and His desire is for our growth and our well-being.

I remind myself of that on days when I can’t see how things are going to get better. Right now, I can’t see how bills are going to be paid next week. Right now, the coffers are pitifully empty. Clint’s looked for jobs, and all we’ve gotten back are tumbleweeds; it is glaringly obvious to me that God wants him to continue in this ministry to those to whom no one else is reaching.

(If you want to see what we’re doing, check out The Community Chaplain on the website or on Facebook.)

BUT . . . God is good. Will the bills be paid? Maybe . . . and maybe not. I don’t delude myself into thinking I know what He knows or see what He sees. His plan is greater, and that’s where my faith has to be anchored. If God doesn’t provide as we hope He will, and if we end up living on the street, does that mean our faith is misplaced? No. It means we haven’t seen the end of the plan yet. Will we like it? Probably not. But it doesn’t mean our faith is wrong or that His promises are empty.

I can’t explain this kind of faith. It reminds me of an exchange from the movie last night:

Palmer Joss:
Did you love your father?

Ellie Arroway:
What?

Palmer Joss:
Your dad. Did you love him?

Ellie Arroway:
Yes, very much.

Palmer Joss:
Prove it.

Like love, faith is one of those glorious intangible. I can’t prove it. But I can trust it, and I can believe.

I hope you will, too.

God Doesn’t Do “Un-Pretty”

This is my first blog for “A Pen and A Prayer” and it isn’t the one I originally thought I was meant to write.  But something began to move on my heart and I’m going to run with it.

Last month I placed my Rawley Family Romances Collection into Netgalley, a portal for readers to request and review books.  Now many people say authors shouldn’t read their reviews, especially bad ones.  Still, I’ve often found that I can learn something from a meaningful review, even a negative one.  At the end of my month-long run on Netgalley, I received a review from a reader who didn’t finish the book.

“I got through most of the first story. I liked the characters and the premise and got vested into the story. What set me off was actually the terms the author used to describe heavy people. I didn’t really care for it and when it occurred a second time, particularly to describe a character I was starting to like, I decided to not finish the book.”

I didn’t have to wonder what she meant.  I knew immediately which character and verbatim which terms I’d used.

You see, the Rawley Family Romances Collection is a bundle of the first 3 books about the Rawley Family.  I actually wrote the first book when I was in high school, then revised it and published it fifteen years later.  My world was very different from when I first created that story to when I put it out into the world. And just as different today.

He took a step forward, and a short, pudgy woman came from behind him.

That line comes from All for Hope, the original, first Rawley Romance.  The “short, pudgy” woman wasn’t the main character.  She’s on the sidelines, key to the story but certainly not the star.  And why would she be?  She’s not slender with a nice bust and gorgeous hair.  No, she’s just the “short and pudgy” one, right?

I can remember sitting in class in high school uncomfortable and nervous as all teenagers are when two guys, a few years older, start making conversation.  They laughed and joked and seemed to want to include me in things.  It took at least a few weeks for me to recognize the word they were hissing under their breaths when the spoke to me.  That was when I discovered that “Fats” was the name they’d give me.  And I will never, ever forget that moment.

So you see, when I referred to Meg Rawley as “short, pudgy” it wasn’t that I was making fun of persons with extra weight.  It was a self-deprecating reference to me.  That was how I saw myself.

But that’s not how God sees me.  To Him, I am beautiful because He made me to be beautiful.

APAAP - 1 (2)

But it’s easy to forget that these days.  We, especially women, are so obsessed with our appearance.  We work and toil to look better, to stay young, to stay slim.  And yet deep down inside I think so many of us are constantly hissing those ugly words to ourselves.  It’s almost as if we are seeking to remind ourselves that we aren’t worthy on some level.

But God tells us that isn’t true.  We can be made beautiful, not with makeup or diet fads or fine clothes and jewelry.  It is only through Him that we can discover the inner radiance that creates true beauty.  And that’s something that no one can sell us or give us or tell us.  We have to learn that for ourselves through Him.

APAAP - 1

I’ve struggled with my weight since my teen years.  And I eventually ballooned to nearly 250 pounds at one point early in my marriage.  I remember my husband once telling me that I needed to learn to love myself.

What?  Love myself?  Pfft!  I’m too busy loving him, my family, my friends.  Who really loves themselves anyway?

Listen, learning to love yourself isn’t easy to do.  Whether it’s your looks, your past, your vices, etc. we all have some reason to find ourselves unlovable.  And it’s funny how it works, at least for me.  When I see myself as “un-pretty,” I mentally feel unhappy, depressed, anxious.  And when I’m worried and sad and emotionally wrought, I tend to feel unattractive.  So clearly the physical and emotional aspects are very closely related.

Still, God’s love for us is perfect.  He sees our weaknesses and our faults, but we are His children.  His adoration for each precious one of us cannot be overstated.

APAAP - 1 (1)

I haven’t learned this lesson.  The fear of being un-pretty, un-lovable, un-worthy seeps into my heart at some point each and every day.  I am working on it and will probably do that for the rest of my life.  And sometimes, when I look in the mirror I can be pleased with the person that my God in Heaven created me to be.  And for that reason, I can also try to take better care of myself, not in the sense of losing weight to look better, but to live better.

As part of that growing process, I eventually wrote a story for Meg.  And in it she still struggles with her body image and with loving herself.  All for Family gives just a snippet of that journey and how she eventually learned to love herself as much as others loved her.  Because just like that reviewer, I had come to truly like Meg in the first Rawley Romance.  And don’t we all deserve love?

Don’t ask me, just ask God…

~oOo~

A few years ago I attended a talk by Liz Curtis Higgs and each attendee was given a “Ta da” Bookmark and Mirror decal.  If you don’t know the story of “Ta da”, I’d encourage you to look her up because she can tell the story much better than I can.  But gist of it is this… each morning before starting your day, look in the mirror, throw up your hands and say “Ta da”… because God made you in his image and made you beautiful!  It truly does make for a wonderful start to your day.  Do any of the things I’ve talked about here strike a chord with you?  Leave a comment below and I’ll send a few of you a “Ta da” Bookmark.

Get Real

Yesterday was a shitty day.

Now, if you clicked onto this blog expecting some very churchy-type words spoken in a holy, lofty way, and my phrasing offends you, I really am sorry.  It’s not my intent. But it is the truth.

Years ago, I was part of the leadership of a women’s Bible study. The woman in charge made an impression on me . . . at the time, I didn’t realize just how strong it had been, but even now, nearly fourteen years later, I’m still trying to shake some of her beliefs that I took as my own. She wasn’t deliberately in error, but what she taught was hurtful and damaging to many women seeking God.

I clearly remember her telling us that as Christians, it was our responsibility to always put on a happy face.

“Never go out into the world and complain or admit that your life is anything but blessed,” she instructed me one day. “As a Christian, you are the example, and who is going to follow Jesus if you look like you’re not always happy?”

For a long time–too long–I bought into that. If there was something wrong in my world–and there was crappy crud, most of the time, because we live in this world–I stuffed it down. I put on a good show. I walked on the sunny side of the street. I put on a happy face.

But I was miserable.

Because God is a loving Father, He very gently but firmly led me to see that the way I was living was not what He asked. I checked, and nowhere in the Bible does Jesus instruct anyone to pretend anything. He doesn’t tell the disciples, as they’re about to preach before record-setting crowds, to put on their game faces.

Only one time does Jesus tell us to ‘cheer up’: in John 16:33, He says, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Jesus doesn’t say, “Believe in me and life becomes one big banquet of happy.” No, He very clearly tells us that we WILL have troubles. But He also tells us that in Him, we can have peace.

So I stand by my first sentence. Yesterday was a shitty day. I’d finished a book the night before, and I was so relieved about that, but as always, the next one is bearing down on me. We just returned from a trip to New Jersey to see my father-in-law, who has Parkinson’s disease and is in a nursing home, with severe dementia. The visit was not a good one, and his decline is sad. My husband continues to seek pastoral opportunities–chances to minister to those who need to know God loves them–but doors seem to be closing, not opening. The bank account is dwindling close to zero, nearly five months after the church eliminated his position. A check promised us for one of his preaching engagements hasn’t arrived. My publisher is very, very late on my royalty payments. Friends are suffering, and violence struck in the UK.

Yup, it was a shitty day.

Instead of pretending that it wasn’t, I did what God wants me to do. I got real with Him. As I went about my day, doing laundry, catching up on work and making dinner, I talked to Him about what troubled me. I pointed out why I was worried, where I felt maybe He was falling down on the job and how I think things should be.

He listened, because He loves me, and what He desires from me isn’t false happiness, pretend praise or a veneer of Christian joy. He wants my heart, that damaged, ugly, scarred and less-than-perfect vessel. He wants me, in all of my imperfection. He wants a relationship that is real, not a daily check-in where I put on a happy face.

And then He answered me, because He loves me, and what He wants for me is real growth, maturity and an even closer relationship with Him. He didn’t give me a timeline for answers. He didn’t promise things were going to get better before they got worse. But He did tell me that He is in charge, He knows the whole story, beginning to end, and even if things get much, much worse, He’s still got this.

He reminded me of one of my very favorite songs, The One Thing I Know by Sara Groves:

And the veil just lifted
I can finally understand
The way you work in me
But even if I didn’t
You are still a sovereign God
Who has a plan for me.

So even if I don’t get it, He is still God, and His plan is still in place. I can trust Him.

This morning, my husband handed me a little square of cotton. He’d been doing laundry yesterday and found this . . . these small facial wipes were a gift from an author friend, and each has an inspirational saying. This is the one my husband gave me:

FullSizeRender

That, my friends, is as real as it gets. Yes, things get shitty sometimes, but God is never going to leave us. I don’t need to pretend to be happy all the time; He only wants me to hold tight to His promise:

“But take heart! I have overcome the world.”